Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.