If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.