keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*pronounces UPS like yoops
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop