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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
so weird how every mom was born today
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*