{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When I snag the last meatball.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”