It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?