TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
be careful
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so