[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Nothing.
Hero horse inspires millions
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before