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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”