Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
You Might Also Like
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
How did we not see this back then?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story