Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.