POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.