Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear