Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I can’t deal with men any longer
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?