Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The cashier just checked me out.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.