Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
had to share :’)
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
But I really needed water water water