If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
War & Peace
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.