Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.