Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage