One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.