Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Boom, boom, ching!