There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Stop.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My dog ate my work from home.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol