When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
bury ourselves
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk