You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
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Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Admin smashed it 😂
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now