Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that鈥檚 exactly what I needed in that moment 馃珷
You Might Also Like
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma鈥檚, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If you鈥檙e feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it鈥檚 been completely eliminated from their diets.
Why aren鈥檛 more people talking about this?
Damm August got somewhere to be don鈥檛 it
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That鈥檚 it that鈥檚 the whole story.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I鈥檓 at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
thanks auntie mary
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”