Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
my mom making me talk to relatives
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
#merica
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc