“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
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Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn