[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
You Might Also Like
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?