*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
i smell a pulitzer
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*