it must be school picture day
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.