ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
You Might Also Like
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.