“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The best plant holders?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Bike is short for Bichael.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]