#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!