You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My beach vacation Google searches
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!