[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Lol.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*