USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
This why you should mind your business
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.