Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.