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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn