[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Nothing.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me