If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Good news
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.