Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My life coach traded me.