[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”