“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol