You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays