I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Oops I deleted….
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
an airline just for babies.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.