If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”