Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard