Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
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getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
🏙👨🏼
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.