Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.