The best plant holders?
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
can’t wait til they legalize outside
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with